April 21, 2022.
Has a friend ever asked you to help them choose between two solutions only for you to find out the next day that they picked the opposite of what you advised them? How did you feel? Confused? There is a psychological reason why they changed their mind and I’ll explain below so that you know what to do next time your friend asks for your opinion.
Last year I completed a Wellness Coaching training through Dartmouth College’s Wellness Center. Think of it as understanding how to guide someone in solving any issues they might have or guiding them through tough decisions. This training taught me that when a person approaches you with two options to choose from, if you told them which one you would choose, they might automatically choose the other option. Telling them your opinion can cause cognitive dissonance and even if they agree with the option you suggested, they might reject it internally. By choosing the other option they are playing lawyer for the defendant. The brain feels that the other option hasn’t gotten a fair chance, so they choose that option.
What should you do next time someone asks you for your opinion?
Anytime someone asks you for advice remember this: they are the expert of their life, and they know what it feels like to live in their life better than anyone else. Most of the time, they already know the solution to their problem but need someone to talk through it. Therefore, the most effective approach would be to facilitate their problem solving by helping them to think through solutions that they come up with versus you sharing the solutions you may have. The best way to do this would be to ask questions such as: what do you value most in this scenario, what will you lose, what will you gain, how do you want to feel, why is it important to you, what would be the best outcome for you. You can come up with more questions based on the scenario. This will also prevent a case in which you give advice that goes wrong and you have to live with the guilt.
Question of the day:
- Am I helping my friend think through how they would solve the problem or am I telling them how I would solve the problem? If the latter, how can I help them create a solution that’s unique to them?
Comment your thoughts and share with a friend who might benefit from reading this!