April 29, 2022.
I believe there are 4 types of boundaries that one must enforce in their lifetime. These boundaries are boundaries with oneself, boundaries with close family members, boundaries with friends and acquaintances, and boundaries at work. I have also listed them in order of importance. I believe the boundaries we set with ourselves are the most important because they set the tone of all the other boundaries. Charity begins at home. Because these boundaries are different, I will reflect on one per day. Today let’s focus on boundaries with ourselves. What does that mean and what does that look like? Why are boundaries with yourself important?
What does it mean to have boundaries with yourself?
Firstly, I want you to reflect on your own boundaries. Do you know what they are? If you do, do you enforce them? My understanding of boundaries with self is knowing what is important to you in different areas of your life and deciding the threshold of what you will tolerate. Examples are what you will or will not do, and people you will or will not associate with. It can be simple ones such as – I don’t swear, I don’t do deals with people with immoral compasses, I don’t date partners who treat me like XYZ or who are XYZ, I won’t accept compensation below ABC to name a few. An example of my boundary is that I put my phone away when I am on the street unless it’s an emergency. I created this boundary after moving to New York and realizing how assaulters use the element of surprise to shock unsuspecting people making it harder to fight back. You will notice that boundaries are created and refined as you go through life and learn more about yourself.
Why are boundaries with yourself important?
Every time you promise yourself to do something and don’t, you are eroding your self-esteem. It can be hard to see in the beginning, but after a long period of time you will feel the effects. Boundaries with self are intertwined with your values in many cases. From the boundary that I mentioned earlier, my underlying value is safety is more important than any gratification I get from opening Instagram or responding to messages. I came up with this boundary because one day someone ran past me at full speed, and I did not hear or sense them. In that moment I realized how dangerous it could have been if this was a bad person. When you break your boundaries, your mind takes note that you aren’t living up to your standards. This can manifest as disappointment or liking yourself less. In addition, failing to enforce your boundaries with self can make it harder to enforce boundaries with other people. You are more likely to say to yourself, “I will let them do this just this time,” which is the same logic normally used when breaking one’s self-boundaries. Think about what is important to you and what boundary you would like to create to ensure that you live by that value. It could be a negative experience you had and would like to ensure it won’t recur or it could be a pleasant experience you had and want to maintain.
Enforcing Boundaries
Knowing your boundaries is one step of the way. Enforcing them is what makes them real. The best way to enforce your self-boundaries is to call yourself out when you break them. Remind yourself why you have them in the first place. You might have to be tough on yourself in the beginning, but you will realize that it gets easier, and you will feel better about yourself. There is emotional security in knowing that you can trust yourself not to do certain things. You can also write a list of your boundaries in first person and read them occasionally. By reminding yourself in this way, you increase the likelihood of calling to memory the boundary when an occasion to enforce it comes up.
Question of the Day:
- What are my boundaries for myself? (Make a list) Which ones am I enforcing, which ones do I need to enforce more?
Comment your thoughts and share with a friend who might benefit from reading this!