Love, Appreciation and Love Languages

May 29, 2022.

We love the way we want to be loved. In some cases, our version of showing love isn’t how the other person wants to receive love. Has someone ever said they did not feel appreciated despite all the effort you showed? Perhaps you were hurt and did not understand? It’s not that you didn’t love them, but your way of expressing love is different from how they want to receive love. Gary Chapman in his book the 5 love languages said “loving someone in a way that is different from the way they want to be loved is hurting them. It doesn’t matter how much you try to show someone love, if it doesn’t match the language that makes them feel adored and cherished, they will feel unappreciated. In addition, you will feel that your efforts are also unacknowledged.

The 5 Love Languages

Most of you know that the 5 love languages identified by Gary Chapman are affirmations, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. People can have multiple of these but there’s usually a combination of two that are more dominant in each person. As you learn more about yourself, it’s good get clear on what your love languages are and how you have been giving love to those around you. Sometimes our love languages are what we needed growing up but did not receive. For example, maybe your parents were always traveling, and you never spent much time with them. Now that you’re grown up you would like more quality time.

Understanding other’s love languages

Everyone in your life from friends, partners, to coworkers have their own love languages. It’s important to learn what these are so you can show appreciation to the people you care about. Love languages don’t affect romantic relationships only. Parent-child relationships, peer to peer interactions, work relationships are all affected by that. Understanding people’s love languages in the workplace can make you an effective leader as well, whether you have a title or not. People want to follow someone who values them and the best way to do that is to understand their love language. Consider paying attention to how people show appreciation as well as what they complain about. That can give you an idea of what their love language could be.

What happens if you do not take the time to learn someone’s love language

Imagine that your love language is receiving gifts or that you learned to show love that way. Your partner’s love language is quality time. Let’s say one day you wanted to show your loved one how you feel so you buy them an exquisite gift and are excited to give them. You have been busy but finally things are settling down and you are glad to spend some time together. Suppose you meet up and excitedly hand the gift to them. You immediately notice that they aren’t enthusiastic about it. You feel unappreciated. And maybe later, they start complaining that you aren’t there for them and you feel distant. This is all confusing to you because you lovingly bought the gift. You point out to them that you love them and got the gift. But they don’t agree with that argument because that’s not how they want to receive love. This is the root of many lingering fights that never resolve because people are speaking two different languages.

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