July 12, 2022.
We all have parts of ourselves that we choose to show to a select few. However, there are situations in which someone is actively hiding parts of themselves because they know it’s a harmful trait or because society has labeled it so. In the latter I’m referring to the subset of people that see nothing wrong with their behavior even if it’s wrong. There are 3 scenarios that make it difficult for someone to hide their traits, which include being held accountable, not getting what they want, and when people think you need them to “survive”. I will focus on being held accountable today as I have seen more in this area.
A Shocking Story
In this story I was just an observer of someone being held accountable so I can look at the situation more objectively. I will be using pseudo names and altering some of the details, but the moral of the story is the same. Anne had a beautiful dress for prom, and she invited Jane to come see the dress. Anne’s mum called her downstairs leaving Jane alone with the dress. Jane was a little too rough pulling the dress off the hanger and a part of the dress was caught up on the tip of the hanger causing a snag in the dress. The dress was silky and very fragile like a pantyhose so that was definitely going to show. Jane said nothing, put the dress back, and made sure the damage was not visible.
Jane then told me what happened to which I asked, “when are you going to tell her?” Jane said, “I hope something else happens to the dress so she thinks it’s her who damaged her own dress.” You can imagine my bewilderment when I heard this! But this is not the worst part. Anne Immediately found out that the dress was damaged and asked Jane about it. I happened to be sitting in the room and witnessed the exchange. Turns out Anne never touched the dress that day but looked at it the next morning. She definitely knew it was Jane. Jane pulled all the cards out of the bag. She firstly blamed Anne for it, then she used manipulation tactics, shaming her for even suspecting her and commenting on how she wouldn’t do that to her friend etc. I was so shocked at what I saw. Jane storms out and I told Anne that she wasn’t wrong or crazy. Jane did exactly what she swore she didn’t do. I remember thinking, this is so unexpected. I don’t have words for what I just witnessed.
Through reflecting I realized that there are 3 character traits that are easy to hide during normal circumstances but come out during these accountability scenarios. The first one is a victim mindset. There are people that are constantly living like a victim and blame someone for everything in their life including their own actions. They will fail a test and blame someone else for it. They can even slap you and say you made me slap you. They are victims of their actions, the people around them, and the world. The second group is people that are self-righteous. They believe they can do no wrong and so when you hold them accountable it contradicts their skewed self-image. The last group is narcissists. This is a no-brainer. Narcissists want control. Most of the time they know they are wrong but will gaslight you to control your emotions. Narcissism is more obvious in romantic relationships but less visible in friendships due to frequency of interactions. This is why you will most likely realize you have a narcissistic friend in an accountability scenario.
Why it’s hard to hide your character in moments of accountability
Ability to hold oneself accountable is a direct reflection of emotional strength and mental maturity. No one wants to be wrong and this is why this particular scenario can reveal a lot about a person. Being held accountable is uncomfortable. It takes strength to accept that you are wrong especially to the people you have harmed. One also needs to understand that no matter the intent, your actions can still harm people and accepting responsibility doesn’t mean malintent. Some questions to pay attention to are: how do they deal with the discomfort of being held accountable? Do they deflect blame to other people even when it’s obvious who is wrong? Are they willing to own everything, or they only want to own up to one small thing? What sort of tactics will they use to avoid being held accountable? Are they willing to bend the truth? Some people will sabotage you just so they don’t face the consequences of their actions. In all seriousness, if someone tells you a story of them doing something harmful and hiding it, be very cautious. You don’t know how far they are willing to go. Some people ended up in jail because someone framed them in efforts to avoid accountability.
Question of the day:
- Have I witnessed questionable behavior in a scenario in which someone was being held accountable?
Comment your thoughts and share with a friend who might benefit from reading this!