April 30, 2022.
Yesterday we examined the boundaries we set for ourselves. Today let’s talk about boundaries with close family and partners. I believe these are the hardest boundaries to navigate and enforce. We will look at a few examples of why boundaries with family can be tough, how to approach conversations around boundaries and enforcing them. Buckle up, today will be a bumpy ride!
Why boundaries with family can be tough
1. Family and Cultural Norms
The first thing that comes to mind is family or cultural norms. I grew up in an African home in a culture that does not emphasize conversations around boundaries. In fact, there is an age hierarchy that is enforced and everyone younger must take whatever treatment they get. I remember telling one relative of mine not to do something disrespectful and them responding “how dare you tell me what to do.” That stuck with me for a while and reflecting now I realize how children can easily be conditioned into allowing people to treat them all sorts of ways with such experiences. There is stigma often associated with communicating boundaries which can induce fear. You may have heard someone being labelled as difficult or rude in the family, which is what often happens when you communicate your boundaries. An example is that I once heard a woman complaining that her daughter is uncultured for refusing to have guests after 9PM as that was her bedtime. When I heard that, I immediately knew that was a boundary, but the woman actually saw it as an abomination and spoke about her in disapproval. When one lives in a culture that emphasizes collectivism over individualism, being labelled disgraceful or rude can be disheartening, which leads to choosing suffering inside over setting boundaries. If you grew up around family members with this sort of thinking, chances are they have already crossed your boundaries, but you may not be aware that it’s a boundary you have to enforce.
2. Family and loved ones can have expectations for you
Another reason is setting boundaries can sometimes hurt people who may have some expectation of you given that you are family. It can be as simple as someone asking you for money and them getting angry when you say that you can’t give them or as grave as them harming you and expecting you to be ok with it. Telling someone not to do something can sometimes be seen as conditional love or rejection when someone believes you must accept all their behaviors. You might find yourself in a situation in which you have to choose between the discomfort of letting someone treat you in ways you don’t want or having your family member feel anger towards you. Navigating a situation like that requires tough love i.e., communicating your boundaries assertively while showing the other person you still love them. You might also have to develop some thick skin. One thing I have experienced is that they can be angry initially, but they will think about it and realize their behavior was harmful. If they do not come to this realization, you might need to rethink that relationship.
Navigating conversations around boundaries
The lesson I am most grateful that I learned in my lifetime is, it doesn’t matter who the person is, you never have to accept disrespect. What you need to do is assess who you are speaking with and adjust your communication style to match what they would understand. For some people you can be blunt and say it as it is while some other people will require storytelling and showing them how their actions affect you. You might have to dig into their past experiences and invite them to remember the feeling they had in those moments. You can then point out that they have just made you feel the same unpleasant way. Unfortunately, some people might need to be removed from your life completely.
Enforcing Boundaries
The first question you must answer is: do you prefer to be at peace with everyone around you at the expense of your mental health or would you rather nourish your mental health and not please everyone around you? This is a decision you must make on your own. People will often say one must be flexible in relationships with family, loved ones etc. However, there is a distinct difference between accommodating someone and letting them cross your boundaries. Compromise and setting boundaries are not mutually exclusive. They coexist in harmony. One mistake that we all make is we communicate our boundaries and end there. Usually this results in the person repeating their behavior and one needing to communicate the boundary to them again or let it slide. I want you from today onwards to commit to enforcing your boundaries. That means after you have communicated your boundaries, if someone disrespects them, there should be consequences. And the consequences shouldn’t just be lip service as well. People understand consequences very well more than words.
Question of the day:
- Have I been treated in a way I did not appreciate by a close family member? If so, what boundary do I need to set to ensure they respect me next time and how will I enforce those boundaries?
Comment your thoughts and share with a friend who might benefit from reading this!