April 28, 2022.
You may have heard people say, “taking offense is a choice.” Let’s talk about that. What goes into the choice? What options are on the table? What is the space and how much time does it take from hearing what has been said to feeling the emotions?
How I realized that perceived intent is a cause for taking offense
I think about this often because I realized that I am incapable of taking offense if the insult comes from a child. I assumed that this was true for everyone but on one occasion I was walking with a colleague and a random child on the street said something. I thought it was funny, but the other person did not. Neither reaction is right or wrong, it’s really about how you want to feel. We both heard the same thing but reacted very differently. It dawned to me that something must have happened in our heads between the time we heard the insult and the reactions we gave. Through introspection, I noticed that I generally do not take offense from children because I do not assume they have malicious intent. Children say what they see, and they often do not know the implications of what they are saying. The biological reason is that the prefrontal cortex responsible for analytical thinking, reasoning, and assessing consequences only starts developing in the adolescent years. Chances that the child thought, “I want to hurt this person’s feelings” are slim. The funny thing is that I also check the age of the child. If they are above 12, I will definitely take offense if I decide it’s an insult.
What actually goes on when you hear something?
This is my experience of it, which might be true for you or different. When someone says something, we create a mental picture of what they have said and then we assign meaning. It’s during this moment that we have the time and the space to come to a conclusion. Meaning can take on many different shapes for various individuals. For me it’s always about someone’s intent and their credibility. Are they trying to hurt my feelings or are they oblivious to the connotations of what they are saying? Do I care about their opinion whether they are being rude or not? Do I think their opinion has merit based on my experience of their logic? In terms of how much time you have, I would say this is something you can increase over time. You can increase the time by training yourself to pause when you hear things that are negative. You can pause by being silent, saying “hmmm, let me think about that,” or asking them a question such as “what do you mean by that.” With practice, you will realize that the more time you have, the more taking offense feels like a choice because you are giving yourself some space to analyze the situation without feeling the need to react emotionally.
Question of the day:
- When someone says something and I take offense, what meaning have I assigned to their words? What other meaning could I have chosen?
Comment your thoughts and share with a friend who might benefit from reading this!